Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The last time I cried

My sister posted a list of 30 topics in 30 days that she pulled from another blog, but I'm too lazy to go figure out which one.

I'm having some issues coming up with what to write about, so, I decided to use one of those.

"The last time I cried"

That's pretty easy.  I cried today.  Sigh.

I had a very bad day today.  And it all started last night, with a horrible dream.  

A few years ago, a friend of mine killed himself.  On Valentine's Day.  Even worse, the day before I had thought about calling him, and just got busy at work and didn't do it.  A few days later, I received a call from his aunt.  Every year since then, the FIRST thing I think about when I wake up on Valentine's Day is him and what he did.  Let me just say, that it's a shitty way to start your day.  

So, the dream.

Last night, I dreamed that it was February 13, 2008 and I was thinking of calling him, and again, I didn't do it.  Same results.  Except, this time, he came to see me, yelling at me for not calling him, telling me it was my fault this happened, and if I had just called everything would have been ok.  

So, I know that it is no way my fault.  Even if I had called, he was just so unhappy, a phone call from me would not have made a difference, and I have nothing to feel guilty about.  

But, the dream, totally effed with my head.  

All day, I have been in a horrible mood.  I was mad at myself for being mad at myself for not calling (OH MY GOD, WHAT A VICIOUS CYCLE!).  I was in a bad mood, so everything bad at work was pissing me off even more than normal.  I was a bitch to people for no good reason (sorry).  And I am just so mad at him for doing this. 

I'm mad that this was the only solution he could come up with.  I'm mad that he's not here to tell him how ANGRY I am at him.  I'm just...mad.

So, yeah, I cried today.  At the office (I at least closed and locked my door, but seriously, I hate crying at work).  And, I finally deleted his number from my phone.  I think 3 years is probably long enough to realize it's not his anymore.  

My friends are amazing for putting up with my whining lately.  Especially when they had no idea what was even wrong with me.  They're good people and I'm glad I have them.  

And I'm fine.  I swear it family, so don't worry about me.  It was just a bad day, and tomorrow is going to be better.  I'll be back to my happy self again.  


Anonymous said...

*hugs you tightly*

Love you, cous.

R said...

i love you & wish i could give a hug! <3 u!

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